Tastes Like? Reduxed
by MiizBHavvin
Summary: Awkward!Liara and Shepard finally set their first date, only Liara decides a home-cooked meal would be much more romantic. Thank the Goddess for the extranet. 1 task, 1 ingredient. Chicken. Simple, yes? Rewritten entirely.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N** Awkward!Liara and Shepard finally set their first date, only Liara decides a home-cooked meal would be much more romantic. Thank the Goddess for the extranet. 1 task, 1 ingredient. Chicken. Simple, yes?

_I realize there is no Human section of the Citadel's lower wards, but in this story, it was easier to fit one in._

_Bioware owns all, I just make them do horribly embarrassing things._

_I nerd-rage deleted this story in the making… it went on the BB and probably would have never re-seen the light of day, had it not been for conversations with the wonderful __**BlackDeer7**__ and __**PMC65**__. Also allowed me a re-write, which I never do, but wdf not?_

**Tastes Like… Reduxed.**

Shepard and Liara stood in a very empty mess hall, thankful for the privacy. Shepard reached for the Asari's arm and gently spoke; "You sure you don't want to just go out?"

Liara sensed a brush of desire course though her body as she felt the Commander's touch. "No, you've done so much for me. I want this to be… personal. I'd like to make this for you." She smiled shyly and took Shepard's hand in hers. "Please."

'_The way to a human's heart is through their stomach, Little Wing.'_

"OK, well only if you're sure." Shepard handed her the key card to the apartment she had rented on the Citadel, because of it's close proximity to the bars.

_A pub crawl. _After her experience with Ryncol she fully understood Shepard's reasoning in getting this place.

"So… guess I'll see you at 1800?" Shepard gave Liara's hand a light squeeze as the Asari nodded then walked off. _Am I covered for fires started by novice alien cooks? You're being an idiot… You know she researched this… As well as her Fornax dating advice? Oh god… Hey at least she isn't wanting to give you a hair-cut._

xxxxxxxxxxx

Liara contently walked through the wards, marveling at the number of people out despite the threat to the Galaxy. Remembering but a few short weeks ago she could count herself among them, she simply smiled.

_You need to focus on the task at hand, stop with the distractions._

Yes, indeed she needed to stop this childish reminiscing. She had a personal mission and headed for the small human quarter of the lower wards. According to her earlier research she had one simple ingredient to look for. Chicken. Easy enough, right?

As she scanned the market place Liara noticed a sign. _'Grandpa Bill's Butchery'_. Simple, precise, and _brutal._

Liara eyed the old man carefully. "Um, excuse m-me."

Sensing the Asari's nervousness the man replies; "Spit it out will ya, don't worry, don't got enough teeth left to bite."

Taken aback Liara stammered: "I-I am looking for chicken."

The burley man behind the counter lets out a hearty laugh. "We ain't got nothing new since the attacks on Eden Prime. You're precious council may protect your asses, but us humans got squat and are too scared to deliver. Tell ya what, can point you to things that taste like chicken. Hell, everything does."

She vaguely remembered crew members aboard the Normandy mention such, that this and that tasted like chicken. And this was after all, a human shop. Clearing her throat she reluctantly says; "Then please show me what else tastes like chicken."

"That's the spirit!" the delighted man pointed to a pile of… rounded meat objects? "There. Buffalo testicles."

"Buffa.."

"Tastes like chicken."

"They are test-"

"Still tastes like chicken. Look, you wanna cook your dish or not?" The man smiles in response to Liara's nod. _Finally a god damned sale._

Liara can barely contain herself. Her nervousness begins to take a hold of her. "A-and how would I c-cook this?" She barely manages to say.

"With other ingredients of course! Here." The old man points to a gelatinous, greyish mound of _guck. _"A stew. Once mashed together, one would never know what it's made of."

This man was a professional. And the only one around, so she had to trust him. _If everything tastes like chicken, why bother with actual chicken at all?_

"Ok, so ya got a nice selection here. Like I said, left overs but all chickenesque. A Sheep's brain, pig's colon and oh a half dozen vor… I mean turkey gizzards. You're good to go."

As the butcher had quickly wrapped her purchases in brown paper she had little time to be revolted by them. '_Tastes like chicken, make a stew. The extranet is a plentiful bound of knowledge, Little Wing.'_

She gathered the bag and made her way deeper into the Human's lair. _The Severing Spice Rack. _Thank the Goddess. As she made her way into the store, subtly smelling the gentile aromas her reverie was broken by a vulgar, loud voice.

"Name's Jack. What the fuck do you want?"

"Ex-xcuse me?"

"You deaf? I said what-the-fuck-do-you-want?"

As she stared at the heavily tattooed sales clerk she managed to squeak out; "I'm looking for chicken spices… Please."

"The fuck, you found chicken?" The clerk said aggressively and invading her very cherished personal space.

_Oh Goddess, she is going to rob me. _"No… not quite, but the butcher told me it is exactly like-"

Jack snatches the bag from Liara's hands, opens it and gives it a sniff before unceremoniously tossing it back to her. "First time here huh?"

"Y-yes?"

"Just relax already. Fuck. For what you wanna cook, well… I'm gonna give you some of my personal stash, on the house, since you're well… you. And blue. This shit will make anything you cook taste like chicken-flavored unicorns. Trust me."

Liara then caught the spice bag tossed in her direction. "And is this what humans call spicy?"

"Hot, chilled, up, down, high, low… whatever you want. It's an earthen spice called Marijuana. You won't need anything else." Jack grins.

Liara courteously nodded and smiled to the helpful clerk and made her way to Shepard's apartment. This would be a perfect evening indeed.

**A/N: **Next up, the stew in all its "mysterious" glory.


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N**__ Awkward!Liara and Shepard finally set their first date, only Liara decides a home-cooked meal would be much more romantic. Thank the Goddess for the extranet. 1 task, 1 ingredient. Chicken. Simple, yes?_

_I have significantly changed this content from my last post. To make this naughtier, raunchier and more shocking. I adore ME1 Liara, but she's simply too fun to mess with. _

_PMC65, borrowed your iMuse. Glad to see Apple still dominates 200 years later :P_

_Bioware owns all, I just make them do horribly embarrassing things._

**Tastes Like…**

_Liara courteously nodded and smiled to the helpful clerk and made her way to Shepard's apartment. This would be a perfect evening indeed._

xxxxxxxxxx

Liara finally made her way back to the apartment and dropped the "groceries" on the counter.

After doing so she calls up her omni-tool extranet interface and types in a search for "chicken". _What, 13,078,756 results? There were far less aboard the Normandy… I should have bookmarked it… And how come so ma…? _Joker. She suddenly remembered him mention the extranet's un-firewalled traffic was approximately 50%... porn...

_Oh Goddess. _Should she look? Glancing at her crono and realizing she still had _plenty_ of time… The temptation was becoming too great.

at:eatmychicken. Yes, that was either a recipe, or… Or? How could she know? Simple. _Look_, _T'Soni._

As she cautiously opened the link, she was greeted by a full screen video. There was a brief ad for Ryncol before the screen cut to black. Then she heard a voice, the screen still black.

"Ffffffff… Are you afffffraid… Fffffff… Spectre." As the image faded in she saw a very scantily clad likeness of none other than the commander.

"Are you calling me chicken, Ms. Fucksalot?"

Liara's eyes widen as the Volus, _is that a_ _female… _walked into the frame. She found herself mesmerized by Ms. Fucksalot. _They look the same. Round, short… The chest… Oh Goddess. I'm looking at a Volus's… tits? _

She knew she should terminate the connection, but like a moth drawn to a flame… She continued to watch.

'_The Wrath of Athame is unforgiving for those engaging in acts of perversion, Little Wing.' For once Mother, I… I... just let me look._

"Fffffff… The council can't save fffffff you now. Saren's allies are ffffffff everywhere. He's sent me to fffffffff indoctrinate you. Ffffffff, you will…."

The "Shepard actress" upon hearing a zipper lowered smiled and replied; "Well Tevos never even offered me a meld, so you put that way, how can I refuse?"

That was more than enough. She wondered momentarily if Shepard knew about these… vids. _Do you honestly think Shepard has time to look up Volus porn?_ A flush of embarrassment ran through her body. _Likely probability, not… I should tell her… Have you lost it? The Commander needs to know about the slanderous, disturbing vids out there about her... She will know you watched porn…_

She finally understood the meaning of the human term "a rock and a hard place." Perhaps after the dinner she could bring it up, delicately. _Goddess! The dinner!_

No longer trusting the extranet for her cooking education, she scanned the HCDS (home cooking done simple channel's schedule. Ah yes, the best possible cook had a segment starting in 15 minutes. The Matron Stewart Show. And according to the show description she would be cooking a wonderful stew, prepared with love and cooked with passion. _Perfect._

Liara may be socially inept, but was no idiot. She knew a bunching of ingredients, into this "stew", would also require vegetables. She dug through the Commander's fridge and found less than fresh legumes. As she pulled them out she chided herself for not buying some.

She recognized some of the vegetables and knew what was usable, and what needed to be thrown out, then proceeded to chop.

Just then the Matron Stewart Show started. She knew from the tabloids the elder Asari had spent time in prison for cheating Binary Helix, but she seemed no worse for wear.

Dice. Concentrate. Chop. Blend. Stir.

"Now we are going to blanche our spices, and base vegetables. Notice how I have added but a tablespoon of oil, to keep things light. Add your spices first, marjolaine, also known as cilantro, with basil and parsley are my favorite for stews. It's a Goddess's grace." As Matron continued to stir and add ingredients, Liara mimicked her.

_Marjolaine. That was the key ingredient, right? Was it marjolaine?_ Oh Goddess, she could no longer remember. She only remembered what the clerk told her. _'__This shit will make anything you cook taste like chicken-flavored unicorns.' _It had to be the same spice. There was a M, a, r, j… Yes, this was definitely it, there were too many coincidences to not be.

Liara dumps the rest of her ingredients into the pot. Vegetables and fake chicken. Upon stiring them their natural juices start to make a… _sauce?_

"_Now reduce the heat to low, take a sip…. Because everyone's taste's are different you may want to slightly increase your spice use." Matron Stewart takes a sip… "Hmmm. That's delicious, we'll be back after these few short messages."_

Liara takes a sip. _Oh Goddess. Everyone's tastes are different but I'm quite certain that's disgusting. _

Increase spice use. _Yes Matron, indeed you are right…_ as she quickly dumps the rest of her special spices into the pot. As various useless commercials about cat food and male enhancement drugs ramble off, Liara continues to stir, and taste. _Matron Stewart was right, the secret is letting the ingredients seep. It tastes better already._

_The audience claps and cheers as Matron Stewart waves and nods. "Thank you all for being on my show, as a special treat you all get a sample of my Stew-art and a copy of my book: Prison and Pancakes; A tale of crafty affairs."_

Liara took another sip. Her sauce seemed to be thickening, and the stew continued to taste better and better. After taking another hefty sip she decided her stew was safe. She could let it simmer, the any bitterness left would naturally dissipate thanks to this ma… mar… m… marju… marjo…?

Scanning the apartment she stumbled upon Shepard's iMuse. She was in an amazingly good mood, after she, in her mind, very successfully cooked her first home cooked meal. _Enough self-congradulations, go check on the stew. _And that she did, another hefty spoonful told the good doctor she was indeed on the right track. Delicious. She could not help but amaze at how right the clerk had been, at how 1 simple ingredient could save the day.

'_I have taught you the art of seduction, Little Wing. You have mastered their cuisine, now set an ambience. She desires you, you need to show her the grace of your spirit."_

As spots started appearing before her eyes, Liara she determined Mother was right, and needed to set an ambiance. Looking though the iMuse she found only music of the past.

No, Metallica was too loud. Lady GaGa was too hyper. Nine Inch Nails was too much of both. Ah, Garbage. Perfect. Play…

Liara began to sway to the music and loose herself.

"You come on like a drug

I just can't get enough

I'm like an addict coming at you for a little more

And there's so much at stake

I can't afford to waste

I never needed anybody like this before"

_Goddess, so true. _Suddenly her reverie was broken by a slight burning smell. Luckily for her the pink teddy bear had already lowered the heat on her stew. Once the light smoke cleared a silk-laced Vorcha was pointing to a multi-colored spot light, encouraging her to dance.

As she did so she thought any minute now the Commander would come sailing over her rainbow and they'd live happily ever after… right?

**A/N **Oh Goddess, Volus porn? Maybe the Vorcha prostitute can "help" Liara explain the vid to poor ole Shep… right?


End file.
